Saturday, September 12, 2009

Right Now

Right now I am sitting on the bed in my hotel room in Petoskey, MI. Out my window I have a perfect view of Lake Michigan? (I could look it up but, too lazy). Our next soccer game doesn't start for a while yet and it is quiet. I fluctuate back and forth between guilt and giddiness. Guilt because I know that my Brian is at home with 5 kids doing the weekend by himself (with some help thrown in from the grandpa's). But still I KNOW it's not easy. I KNOW that it's not always fun. I KNOW these things because it's what I do. I know that some days are great and fun, but others are just kind of like waking nightmares. I know that our life is something that other people look on and make comments about (jokes they call them.) I feel guilty because I am not with my baby who sometimes doesn't get enough of my attention. I feel guilty because I don't want Emersyn to think that I am not coming back. Basically I feel guilty because in my heart I don't think they can do it without me. Can anyone say control issues? In my head I know that they are fine, GREAT in fact. But it doesn't stop the guilt.
And then the giddy comes on. I realize that for the first time in FOREVER I am sitting and doing what I want to do. I am blogging with no interruptions, unless you count the teenagers but man they are funny! I can sit and read my book without hiding in the bathroom. If I want to sit down and have a drink with some friends I can because I don't have to get anyone to bed or help them get a snack, go get a drink, answer a bazillion questions or the countless other things that happen on a daily basis as a mother to 6. Right now I can just BE.
I remind myself to enjoy it. To count myself lucky that my husband is the kind of guy that can handle it. That he understands that I need it. That after this never ending summer when my calm has left the building and my stress level is sky-rocketing, I get this chance. I remind myself that feeling guilty defeats the purpose. And tomorrow when I go home to my husband and my kids maybe I can be a little bit more patient and little bit less frazzled. Maybe I can figure out how to fix the shoe storage problem, get down on the floor with my baby who is starting to walk, not ruin my whole day when the bus shows up 10 min early.
And remember that if life was ALWAYS easy, then sitting on the bed in this hotel room wouldn't seem so fantastic.

'til next time
me
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3 comments:

  1. Calmil2September 12, 2009 at 1:59 PM

    So well said Jilli....you deserve it!! I feel guilt when I get a "break" from my 2 kids, but then I go back a better mom (at least for a little while, ha), so really they benefit from your break too. We like to say, "If mommy's happy, everyone's happy"...ha.

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  2. Family_DaukSeptember 12, 2009 at 3:23 PM

    Enjoy this time! Glad you're getting some time to chill.

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  3. UnknownSeptember 12, 2009 at 9:01 PM

    Oh the Mommy Guilt! We really don't cut ourselves enough slack most of the time. I get a 2 day trip to WI for a wedding next weekend and I'm so consumed with guilt and at the same time giddy anticipation that I don't know how it will all turn out! I do know that I can't wait to sleep in a hotel bed with no children stepping on my head at 7:30 a.m. though! So even if I'm consumed with guilt for the rest of the trip, at least I have those few restful hours of sleep to get me through easier!

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